22. Bi-Polar Super Powers

I’ve been preparing a blog on superheroes lately and it got me thinking. What is your bipolar super-power?

I sometimes think that with all the weird and wonderful symptoms that bipolar gives us, how are we supposed to know which character traits can be attributed to the condition and which are truly us?

I know one thing I’ve worried about losing due to the ups and downs of bipolar is my humour. I think I’m funnier when I’m going through a hypomanic episode but I’m also more anxious with it, making me doubt myself and my ability to be funny. Like I might over-use my funny bone and wear it away.

But what if it’s actually the other way around and I’m only funny during these episodes? Am I living on borrowed funny during the down times? I know when I’m depressed I can’t write for toffee. The words are stunted, they don’t flow and to read my writing back is painful.

I started writing a novel during my worst and longest period of depression. I suffered with depression for years and years to various degrees (before I was being treated with lithium). The novel was about life in limbo, about a woman who works in admin processing people’s applications into heaven. I struggled on with this novel because I thought it had a lot of potential but nothing I did made it flow or made the funny drip out onto the page. I realised after many years of trying and retrying that actually there was no point in trying to be creative during that time. That the reason I could only write about dead people is because I was feeling dead inside. They say ‘write what you know’ but I didn’t realise just how much I was taking that sentiment to heart.

If you asked superman, ‘What would life be like if you lost your ability to fly?’ The first thing he’d think of would be that he wouldn’t be able to save people, and that would be disastrous for a man with so much responsibility on his shoulders. Then he’d probably wonder how he’d get around quickly during rush hour and finally he might think ‘wouldn’t that be nice?’ To be normal for a while. To lose the pressure of responsibility that flying brings.

So is my Bipolar superpower my humour? Does it get me through the highs with flair? I don’t know. Maybe I was born to want to make people snigger but equally, if you were to take away the bipolar in me, what else would I lose that I cherish? That being said, I’m sure that relying on Christmas cracker jokes to make up my repertoire in exchange for a normal, calm life wouldn’t be the worst fate either!

21. Over The Bills & Dales

Day 2

Wandering into Lynmouth the next day we were still smarting a little from the bill we’d received from the art gallery trying desperately to justify it by reminding ourselves that we haven’t had a holiday or weekend off in over a year.

On our way down the hill from our hotel we noticed a sign for another hotel, tucked away in the woods like a little fairy-tale cottage. It looked lovely so I suggested we walk down the long, winding, tree-lined road to the hotel and check it out for our next visit. Half way down the lane it turned cold under the shadow of the leafy trees and it started to feel as though we’d walked out of our own space and time and into a creepy fairy tale. To get to the cottage you had to follow a path which descended into the woods and the closer you got to the building the more it loomed above you. It was looking less like a cottage and more like a small castle by the time we reached it. Turrets strutted out from its rooftops and inside we could see grandly decorated veneered fireplaces surrounded by plush high backed chairs and shelves of old books.

We wandered to the front of the building where a balcony overlooked the hillside down to the sea and that’s when it happened. The large door to the castle opened slowly and with a loud and ominous creek. Both my hubby and I turned to see someone peering at us through the dark crack in the door.
‘You rang?’
I swear to God that’s what he said!
‘I’m sorry?’ I asked.
‘You rang for cream teas?’
‘Oh. No, we’re just looking around,’ I said and we both stood in silence as the large door creaked to a close again.
My husband turned to me and said ‘Welcoming.’

We practically ran back up the road to civilisation, all the way joking that the man’s mother would have asked him to invite the nice people in and put them up in the guest wing but that she’d turn out to be just a voice in his head because she’d actually died 50 years ago. And not like the nice voices in my head that encourage me to buy ice creams and giggle when people trip. She’d be the kind that makes him feel bad about standing over your bed at night watching you sleep, as he tries to hold himself back from touching you!

When we made it back to our own century we eventually happened across a small combined pottery studio and artists workshop. We went inside, weary from our short walk down a bit of a hill (what? We’re on holiday). And inside were some more beautiful things! Paintings of spitfires, boats, landscapes, animals. A whole variety all in different styles and then I realised that a picture of a hare with the most amazing expression on its face was one I recognised from the gallery we’d been in the day before. In fact it was probably the ONLY picture I didn’t buy, even though I wanted to.

The name of the artist was Dale Bowen and looking over at the artist at the workbench I said ‘I love this guy. We just bought some of his work in Linton.’
The artist mumbled something I didn’t really hear and so I carried on, as I do.
‘I like his pictures of rams in spaceships.’ What? I do! Art is subjective, people.
‘Yeah, that’s me,’ he mumbled a bit more clearly this time.
‘Say what now?’
‘That’s me. I’m Dale.’
… silence… awe… shock…
And then it was like meeting three people all in one body. He was Billy Connelly, mixed with some bloke from Stoke on Trent mixed with Michael MacIntyre. He wasn’t just A character, he was several characters. All of whom were very nice guys.

He showed us his work from when he was working for Wedgewood and when we told him we have family in Portsmouth he proceeded to tell us about the time he was asked to make and decorate a plaque for the Battle of Trafalgar 200 years celebrations at Portsmouth Naval Museum. The plaque was to be presented to her Majesty The Queen onboard HMS Victory. He was allowed to bring the plaque in and set it but was then escorted off the base by two burly sailors. The rest of the story mostly involved being in the pub while he waited for his train and being bought pints by all the nice people he met there.

Once my hubby told him he’d owned a bike shop they were both happy as Larry comparing bikes and stories of riding trips. It was, all in all, a very pleasant afternoon and I was sad to leave. Of course I did buy the hare picture and Dale kindly signed a card for me which had his ‘Through The Treetops’ picture on the front. He even drew a pom pom fuzzy creature on it for me. I was chuffed.

Meeting Dale made my entire weekend. I know, it was a close call between him and Mr No Pants, but I think Dale just inched it… euw, I think I’m going to rethink that line.

20. Mr Starey And The Case Of The Missing Pants

My hubby has decided that we need a break (a holiday break, not an ‘I’m leaving and I’m taking the hamster’ break) and so he has booked a weekend away for us in Dorset. Now I’m quite geographically challenged so if the place I describe sounds more like Weymouth, don’t be surprised.

We decided that Linton was the place for us. We’ve been before, about twelve years ago and loved it, partly because it’s sleepy and relaxing out of season and partly because it has a fantastic art gallery which very kindly takes lots of money off of us in exchange for beautiful things which would be pointless in a flood. Not sure why that’s relevant but my thinking is that sometimes you have to have beautiful things in your life, even if using them for kindling in an apocalyptic situation might break your heart. I guess it’s them or the cat and I’m not sure the cat would make good kindling. If you ate a cat would it taste like Whiskas? Just a thought.

Anyway, Linton is a great place. It’s a secret St Ives in my opinion. Years ago St Ives was a place artistic types could go to be inspired by the sea, make pottery and remain drunk or stoned throughout high season with everyone else being far too busy to notice. I’d say that between 50-75% of the business owners, artists and residents that we met in Linton fell within the category ‘child of the sixties’. I’m not sure I had an entirely sensible conversation with a single one of them.

The hotel played awful sixties music at breakfast which was, thankfully, the only time we were there to endure it. I honestly believe that songs with the words ‘Gee’ and ‘Whizz’ should probably be reclassified as offensive and never played again except by old people, in their own kitchens, at home. If grandkids call round there must be a strong cease and desist policy lest they be charged with child abuse and if the neighbours can hear it because the oldies have their back door ajar, a complaint should be sent to the council and the couple considered for immediate eviction.

It was worse than when we went to Bulgaria around 10 years ago. There they played Eminem morning noon and night. Eminem at breakfast. Eminem at dinner. Eminem in the lifts. Eminem in the public loo. I’m not sure if he was paying them or they were paying him but there was some sort of underhanded deal going on.

We quickly found the gallery we love and decided, as you do, that we were only going to look this time and if we bought something it would be one picture at a sensible price. Two hours later we found ourselves shoe-horning 4 extremely large pictures into my Toyota Aygo which has a boot the size of a postage stamp. We considered we may have to leave the suitcases behind but I can buy clothes anywhere. This is ART!

The first evening there we booked into a Spanish restaurant which had about 7 tables squeezed into it. The buzz of the place was nice but when you’re sitting elbow to elbow with people you’ve got to hope they’ll be nice, normal folks.

To my left I had a man who wouldn’t stop staring at me the entire night. I don’t think he was looking at anything in particular, he just seemed to want to peer into my soul and choke it to death with his cold, dead eyes – that’s all.

To my right was a man wearing flesh coloured trousers and a red jumper, which was equally as disturbing as Mr Starey simply because whenever I caught a glimpse of him out of the corner of my eye, it looked as if he was wearing nothing BUT a red jumper. I kept wanting him to get up so I could wipe the seat down.

As the night went on Mr Starey proceeded to develop a cold or perhaps an allergy to sanity and sneezed loudly into his own hand on several occasions. This wasn’t so bad because it did mean he had to take his eyes off me while he wiped said hand on his khakis. Relief from one awful habit was followed only by the taste of my own sick as another revealed itself.

The food was actually very nice. We had a selection of tapas. Meatballs, lemon prawns, crostini, pork skewers and olives. All of which were lovely. The lemon prawns in particular reminded me of those wipes you used to get in a small metallic wrapper. You take them out, wipe your hands and invariably somehow get the taste of lemon soap in your mouth. Yes, very reminiscent of flights to Amsterdam.

End of day one.

19. Hanging On By Ones Fingertips

Today I was reminded just how easy it is to feel as if your whole world is falling apart. Yes, another one of the many fun and fabulous side effects of bipolar Type 2.

Last night my husband and I had a row. Not a big one. Nothing was thrown, ripped or left in a shape different to the one it had before the row started. You know you’ve thrown one too many hissy fits when you lob something across the room in a rage and not even the cat flinches. One thing that did happen was, my husband mentioned he thought I was going to leave him. And the thought of that scenario didn’t scare me. Which scared me.

I spent the whole following morning in a bit of a flap. Did I want to stay? Could I move out? Where would I go? What about my job? I looked at flats briefly on the internet, not sure what I’d be able to afford. Then the panic seeped out onto Facebook and I started showing a few manic signs. My posts became a little strange rather than the funny I was going for. The thought of finding another husband who would put up with the sort of things mine does seemed impossible which led me to feel even more desperate. Was it really worth carrying on at all, I wondered.

I was so concerned with sorting myself out a new life plan that I didn’t notice my phone ringing at lunchtime. When I finally picked it up it was my hubby calling to tell me he’d booked us a weekend away. And it dawned on me that I was leaving, but I wasn’t leaving without him. And suddenly life calmed down again. The bubbling stress that clouded my vision slowly dissipated and everything began to return to normal.

The moral of the story? When you’re arguing with someone with bipolar don’t deviate from the current reality. If you do you may find you come home from work one day to find your wife has moved out and taken ALL the cutlery, except the spoons!

18. Just Who’s In Charge Here?!

Apart from finding myself in situations where I’ve given in to my irrational feelings and behaviours, I also find it very difficult to figure out who, or what, is making the decisions in my life sometimes.

The most recent example I can think of is my last contract. The one at the IT company came to an end recently. That was the one where I dared to call 2 of my team mates old women when the workload got a bit frantic and they started flapping about one week. I politely advised them to join the Women’s Institute, and was never able to live it down with the rest of the team. From then on, every time I received an email request for software it would usually be accompanied by an order for raspberry jam. Anyway, before my contract actually ended they offered me a job… and a scone.

All the while they were talking about the job I was very excited and determined I was going to take it when they made the offer official. My hubby kept telling me to consider my options and think about the benefits of contracting and how much I like the freedom of it, but I told him this was a great IT company and it would stand me in good stead for the rest of my career if I took the job.

Then they actually offered it to me and I suddenly felt bored by the whole thing. I couldn’t be bothered to read the spec, stopped trying too hard, lost my motivation and eventually decided I really didn’t want the job at all. By which time my hubby was trying to convince me to take it because a week ago I’d been extoling the virtues of a career with a steady pay cheque. Poor guy doesn’t know whether he’s coming or going.

It’s this massive swing in opinion, desire, direction, call it what you want, that drives him a little potty. He never knows which me is talking or when the scenery might change. Can you imagine decorating a room with me? You’d start in pink only to find me crying on the stairs because ‘when I said pink I wanted yellow.’ How does anyone stand a chance?

How can you ever be sure that your decision isn’t based on a dip in mood or the fact you forgot to take your pills yesterday or even a bad night’s sleep? And if I can’t answer that, being the one who experiences these swings, how can I expect anyone else to? My counsellor (yes I’m lucky enough to have access to one) told me that when I’m going through an episode of any sort I need to use my feelings to direct me, but not in the actual decision making process. What she was explaining was that it’s useful to analyse your feelings and moods, decide whether you feel you’re in a rational or clear frame of mind based on those feelings and then decide whether now is even the right time for you to be making any large decisions. If you feel you’re capable of making one you won’t regret then you should include logical thought and facts in the decision making process and not let your emotions lead you entirely.

I should think that a lot of us will find it hard to fight the impulses that bipolar sends to our brains but what she is also advising is that we slow down and take our time over decisions. This is good advice I feel. Whether I can do it or not is down to me and the discipline I will need to muster.

My manager once said to me that when dealing with a bully you have to stay calm and outwit them. Bullies work on emotion. Their arguments are based on it and therefore logic doesn’t come into their thinking. This struck a chord with me. Not that I class myself as a bully, but the thought that irrational and aggressive behaviour is born of emotion makes total sense. Emotion has no tether after all, no desire other than to be calmed and the only way to do that is to reason with it.

So there you go. Reason with emotion.

Good luck with THAT!

17. Irrational? Me?! Screw you… Nan!!

They say that both bipolar type 1 and 2 are synonymous with irrational behaviour and feelings. I know the most common feeling I experience which is highly irrational is loneliness. I can be on a crowded train, surrounded by people and feeling happy one minute. The next minute I’ll feel I have to reach out to somebody right now or I might die of the desperate feeling that’s just slammed into me. The loneliness feels as if it’s eating me from the inside out and I know it’s irrational even when it’s happening, even when I’m desperately checking Facebook for the ten thousandth time for a comment or a sign that someone is online to talk to.

Most recently I’ve been chatting via text to a friend of mine every day. We discuss creative things we both like, writing, photography, websites, films etc. This week he told me he was going away for 2 days. He was taking his phone, he could still text but he wasn’t going to be in the place that I always imagine him when he usually texts me, he was going to be miles away. We’ve gone long periods without talking before but once I knew he was going away up North I suddenly felt extremely lonely, when in reality nothing was going to be any different.

I think this is a throw-back to the days when I was constantly depressed. I suffered due to the feeling of loneliness then too. I remember once being at a cocktail party (it wasn’t a posh one, it was one where everyone ended up showing their knickers at the end of the night). At one point I looked around and I wondered if everyone there was pretending too, if the happiness and the smiles were all plastered on, just like mine. And I felt incredibly lonely in that room full of friends.

I think what bothers me is that when I get two seconds of peace from my ever churning and changing emotions I realise that there’s no way I want to be like this. Those moments of peace are like waking from a bad dream in which all irrational feelings and odd behaviours have seemed entirely normal. It’s only upon waking from it that you realise they are far from normal, but by then you’ve probably lost a friend or two or become obsessive to the point you’ve driven someone away.

I wouldn’t mind if the doctors could tell you what’s going on in your own brain. Why it’s backfiring and conspiring against you to make you unsociable and odd to the extreme. But they can’t. They tell me it’s a chemical imbalance but they don’t even know which chemicals are playing see-saw in my brain.

So if pumping 1 in every 100 people full of battery components does the trick most of the time I guess we have to go along with it. I love the lithium and the effect it has on my tired yet busy brain. But just like the symptoms it aims to control, I find I’m totally at its mercy.

I often find I become more than a little fixated on things. I look to Facebook one hundred times a day for someone to reach out to and when I’m met with the standard ‘Like’ in response to my posts I find myself feeling even more desperate and alone.

What I want to write:

“Do you ever hate your life so much you can feel it crushing your chest? Have you ever felt so lonely you think you’re going to drown in sadness? Do you feel as if your insides are empty of everything except liquid pain sloshing about in the gaps between your ribs? No. Me neither (except I do really).”

What I actually write:

(Post a picture of me looking happy with my family).
“You can tell we’re related by the genetic uni-brow.”

I usually try to make the posts I write funny, but at times they hide what I’m really trying to say which is ‘I’m drowning here. I need someone to reach out and save me.’ The funnier the posts, the more frequent, the more I’ll find I’m flailing and the more dependent I become on nothing more than a networking site to quell my loneliness. And so today I wrote this note to Facebook as a way of trying to break my dependency.

“You know what, Facebook? We’ve had some great times together. No, some AMAZING times. Remember the time you posted a picture of a seagull dive-bombing me on the beach in Spain and me and my friends all laughed and laughed? Ahh, good times.

“The trouble is that just lately I keep feeling like our relationship is taking a lot of effort. And I feel as though I’m the one putting in all the work, if I’m honest.

“I hate to tell you this, but I’ve started using Blogger. I’m sorry, I can see the pain on your face… book. The thing is, it just feels so easy. No short, stunted sentences or awkward jokes. I don’t have to hide behind the laughs and I don’t have to check in monotonously. Blogger just lets me talk and talk and be myself and when we’re done I just walk away. Sometimes for days.

“So I guess what I’m trying to say is… I think we need some space. I need to get my head straight. Stop looking so hurt. I know you see other people. The evidence is there for all to see, so don’t bother denying it.

“It’s over, ok? I’m sorry, but we’re done. At least until Friday when I’ll undoubtedly weaken after a glass of wine and pine for the length of your timeline like I always do.

“Just know that no matter what happens from here on in, I’ll always love you.”

15. Alcohol And Take Aways… Mmm

As a continuation of last week’s blog here are some things I’ve found which have helped me to create a little bit of calm in my BPD teacup since diagnosis.

I’m not putting these things down on paper to try to guilt anyone else into doing something that doesn’t sit well with them. I’m just trying to let you know that these things work for me and therefore they might work for you if you fancy trying them.

My first line ‘Follow a bit of a routine’ might horrify some of you. The thought of it horrifies me. I’m a free spirit. Wild and young(ish) and I don’t want to be bogged down by routines and boring schedules. But I have discovered you can have a ‘bit’ of a routine which satisfies the disorders needs but still gives you freedom to live your life the way you want to. So bear that in mind before you storm out of my blog having decided I must have a stick up my bottom. I can assure, you that’s something I save for the weekends.

Follow a bit of a routine – It doesn’t have to be set in stone but it does help. Go to bed at a set time and plan to get 8 hours of sleep a night. A routine involving bath and bed, aromatherapy, or something relaxing and pampering like moisturising will help you feel as if you’re doing something for you, rather than getting an early night just so work comes around quicker!

Avoid alcohol as often as possible – Obviously you don’t want to offend by not toasting the bride but equally going on a vodka-laced bender over the weekend isn’t likely to make you feel on top of the world afterward.

Caffeine – I’ve found I’m surprisingly sensitive to caffeine and if I drink it after midday I won’t sleep and quite often feel anxious all day. If you get jittery periods try limiting your caffeine intake to the mornings for a week and see if it makes any difference.

Diet – Take a look at what you eat. We’re all guilty of eating fast food, packet meals, ready-made goodies and sweets for energy but you may find that all the hidden additives and sugars are playing havoc with your mood and ability to relax. Plus you really don’t know what it’s doing to your physical health. I once had a cold for two and a half months! It would NOT go away. I changed my diet and hey presto… well, it turned into a chest infection. But after THAT, I was good.

Exercise – This doesn’t have to be blood pounding, run a marathon, Kung Fu kick your way out of a drug fuelled district of LA with Jackie Chan behind you, style exercise. Yoga can be incredibly relaxing while toning and tightening the muscles. Most yoga classes will tag on a period of meditation to the end too, which is great for the soul. And it’s funny to hear people snoring when they drop off. I’ve seen young and old do yoga and I’d say the hardest thing about it is stopping yourself from giggling when someone accidently lets one rip.

http://authentichappiness4live.wordpress.com/2014/03/11/does-exercising-make-us-happier/

Doctors – Keep your appointments and, if you can, keep a mood diary. I’m not great at taking my own advice here but it is a great way for a doctor, who may only see you for 10 minutes every 3 to 6 months to know what’s been going on with you. Only you know how you feel and if you feel the doc is downplaying something, push a bit harder to get a response that satisfies or take someone with you who will push for you when you’re just not feeling up to it.

Caregivers – When you, as a bipolar sufferer, are feeling well it’s a good idea to turn to your caregiver and make sure they are looking after themself too. Most of us only have 1 person we rely on heavily and that person often has to neglect their own needs to help us with ours, which can be stressful for them. It doesn’t hurt to make sure they know how much you love them for the things they do.

What works for you? Please let us know in the comments section.

Next week I’ll be reviewing mood diary apps.

14. That’s One ‘First Time’ I Could Do Without

The first time I went to the doctor after my nervous breakdown I was in a bit of a state. As you can imagine, nervous breakdowns don’t tend to leave you looking glamorous and at the peak of health. I remember there being a severe need for waterproof mascara and a box of Kleenex for all the snot induced crying fits. Equally, if you know of anyone who found a way to keep their dignity during their nervous breakdown I’d be interested to hear about it. I could use some tips for the inevitable next one.

My husband came with me and explained in no uncertain terms that I was mental, needed to be put into a straight-jacket immediately and asked whether HE could have some pills to help him cope with all this. Thankfully he was joking but I’m not sure my GP really knew how to take him.

I was assured that, given the circumstances and all the snot, I was an emergency case and I could expect to hear from the psychiatrist for an assessment (not treatment) in THREE MONTHS TIME!

An EMERGENCY case. In my book emergency’s don’t usually hang around for 3 months, hence the urgency of an emergency. If I’d been anorexic and my kidneys were shutting down would they have fobbed me off with a 3 month wait? What’s more urgent than an emergency when the symptoms of your problem could kill you?

Anyway, I moan only because I was on the brink of giving up on life. Nothing major. In other ways I can’t fault the NHS and mental health system. Not really. We do always seem to have trainees in psychiatric positions for 6 months at a time, but they tend to be pretty good and my first psychiatrist was the best of the lot. He arranged Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for me, counselling and later on, once I plucked up the courage to tell him about my ‘other’ symptoms reclassified my condition from ‘Severe Depressive Disorder’ to ‘Bipolar Type 2’. He changed my life. He helped me achieve a positive outlook for times when I’m well and a coping strategy for times when I’m not.

I can safely say, looking back to that time and how fragile I was then, that the NHS and its community mental health team has made me strong again. Despite the flaws of never getting to know your psychiatrist because they move from one place to the next and despite the long waiting times between appointments, once you are on their radar they do as much as they can to help – in my experience.

I’ve also found that it’s up to you to take their advice and the education they offer about your condition and work hard to make your own life better. There are things you can do to help yourself and I’ll talk more about those next week.

https://www.facebook.com/myfamilyandjanice?ref=hl#!/photo.php?fbid=690403364335565&set=a.180798161962757.37670.157585027617404&type=1&theater

16. Review Of Mood Diary Apps For Android

*Please note, I have had to publish this page early as I can’t get blogger to display the same article correctly. Blogger now links to this page as it is a few weeks ahead of WordPress (I hope that makes sense) This does mean that it will be out of order and look a bit odd which I can only apologise for.

As you all know, I am an advocate of using any device, gadget, tool or friend’s shoulder in order to keep as much control over the symptoms of bipolar as I can. This week I started looking at mood diary apps for Android, although I’m sure these ones or similar will be available on the iphone (I’m afraid I don’t own an iphone so perhaps you could post in the comments section anything you think iphone users should know about apps like these).

I started my tests using the free versions of the following:

Review of EMoods
The home screen is black with grey blobs that you touch to give an indication of how depressed or elated you’re feeling. Once pressed the grey blobs turn to vibrant… brown. I think the presentation of this app could leave me feeling quite depressed!

– emoods1

There is a sliding scale in custard yellow which allows you to show how many hours sleep you got. Something I find essential to my health so this is a feature I like.

The rest is fairly concise. Are you depressed? To what level? Same for elevated moods, irritability and anxiety. It asks if you’re experiencing any psychotic symptoms and the ‘?’ buttons gives suggestions as to what these might be but it doesn’t let you list them in detail.

There is a section for daily notes and you can also add each medication you’re on including the daily dose size in mg and make a note as to whether you’ve taken it that day.

The ‘Calendar Tab’ gives you a list of dates and your notes appear next to them. This allows you to build up an archive of data which feeds into the ‘Graph Tab’. These graphs are the clearest out of the three apps tested in my opinion and I think any psychiatrist could easily interpret them.

– emoods2

What’s not to like?
One downside, I’d say, is that the questions aren’t split so that you can answer different bits at different times of the day. Personally I take some of my medication in the morning and some at night but unless I add each dose in separately (which is possible) it would appear that you’re basically just making a list of your entire dosage for the day.

These things are easy to change but there is nothing on the app to separate them into morning, noon, evening and night. I think this might be useful for some people.

It would also be nice to have notes for diet, mood, what has affected you during the day. With bipolar it’s often small things which can have a massive effect on your mood. Personally I find my moods change very quickly and radically at times. This app doesn’t really accommodate that. Plus there are things like diet which are important to monitor. I know that caffeine can affect me badly because it changes my sleep pattern and produces anxiety therefore affecting my entire day. It would be useful to be able to make specific notes rather than have a small block with a maximum of 70 characters.

The paid version may offer a lot more and I’m pretty sure I read from reviews that it has a reminder service but since I’m cheap this is all you’re getting from me!

In Conclusion…
For a dinky and concise app this is a great start. It does the job and when you’re happy that you have enough data it will produce a pdf or excel report which you can send to your doctor. It could easily be expanded upon and hopefully, given that this was marketed to bipolar sufferers, the makers will consider doing so in future.

The benefit of an app is, it’s always with you because it’s on your phone. I would just say set a reminder on your calendar to make you fill it in every day because after the initial setting up and fascination has worn off, I can see me forgetting and having big gaps in the data.

Mood Panda

– mpanda1

Although slightly more pleasant in colour than EMoods it’s still a very basic looking app in my opinion.

– mpanda2

When you update your mood it gives you a sliding scale with a sad face at one end and a smiley face at the other. It then asks ‘Any reason’ without a question mark but then, how good would a panda’s grammar be?

– mpanda3

You can then use the buttons underneath to add your response to facebook or twitter. Possibly because it thinks the whole world thinks you’re so important that it wants to know when burning your waffles at breakfast is likely to lead to a meltdown before you get to work.

They could probably add more features if they dedicated less of the screen to the cute panda, but since you’re likely to be quite bored using this app I guess they’ve done us a favour by giving us something cute to look at.

The section called ‘My diary’ basically gives you a list of your reasons and a little chart which maps how depressed you are, in case you weren’t aware of it already.

– mpanda4

I find the app quite unresponsive and end up shutting it down all the time because I press the button to go back too often.

I go into the section called ‘My Inbox’ and am stunned to see other users responses to how they’re feeling. I’m not sure who these people are or their significance to my mood but it would appear that privacy is not high on the agenda with this app.

– mpanda5

I don’t find MoodPanda a very intuitive app but perhaps for those who want a higher social media presence this will be the one for you. From the point of view of actually tracking your mood and the things which influence it it’s a bit like a mood ring. Cute for a while, nice to look at briefly then it will never get used again.

What’s not to like?
I’m sorry, did you READ my review?!

MoodLytics
– mlytics1

Now this is far more Sesame Street! Beautiful colours, happy faces staring back at you, it’s a veritable tellytubby land of fun.

As I open the app it welcomes me and asks me if I’m still feeling content, which is what I programmed into it this morning. It gives me the option to confirm this is my mood, change my response or tell it that I’m busy right now. How convenient.

– mlytics2

The main screen gives you four options. Track Your Mood. Mood Charts. Set Goals and Mood Reminder Profiles. When you select ‘Track Your Mood’ you are then asked whether you’d like to add your current or a past mood. I choose ‘past’ and it brings up a little calendar with hours and minutes. I can easily choose which date and time I want to update. Then, as would happen if I’d chosen to update my current mood, a default happy face appears.

– mlytics3

I can scroll through these faces and choose from quite a few different ones showing loneliness and anger to surprise and boredom. The essentials for us are depression, anxiety and feeling overwhelmed but surprisingly there’s nothing for mania! Although there is an ‘elated’ face. There’s also a little devil too which might be appropriate for some.

But wait a minute, what’s this?! You can customise a mood?! So my hypomanic episodes can be splayed across the internet in glorious Technicolor. This app is amazing!

– mlytics4

– mlytics5
Here’s one I created earlier! I’m also going to make a
‘Seeing Supernatural Beings’ Emoticon and a
‘Can’t Stop Rockiiiiiing’ one too.

Once you’ve scrolled through you can then say for how long you felt this way (4 minutes precisely or 5 hours even), what caused you to feel this way and if it was a person you can choose that person from your contact list.

There is also a notes section and a place to upload photos, presumably so that you have some evidence of an alibi for the police if you’re feeling in that devilish mood.

Mood Charts allows you to view your data by person by mood or in a pie chart of categories. There are a lot of options here for you to mess about with and decide what you want to see.

– mlytics6

The Goals section is part of the paid app. You can set simple goals in the free app and this basically turns into a bit of a to do list. If you want more input from the app or to add an icon you will need the paid version. You can then track your goals by those achieved and those failed and presumably review why they failed based on your own notes.

– mlytics7

Mood Reminder Profiles allow you to set up reminders to make sure you fill in your data. You can set up as many or as few as you like and even pick and choose the days it reminds you.

– mlytics8

There is also a settings tab which allows you to customise the app to your hearts content.

What’s Not To Like?
I’d say the only downside with the free version is that you can’t take advantage of the download of information but is your psychiatrist really going to be offended at being handed your phone and having to stare at something which looks like it was thought up while one of us was on a high? They know the score!

All in all this is a very professionally set out app. It’s fun style and bright colours won’t suit everyone and as a serious tool for tracking bipolar symptoms I’m inclined to go with EMoods because of the medication aspect.

I have emailed the support team for MoodLytics with some questions about how much more the paid version contains because if the rest of it is as professional as the free version I’d happily pay for an upgrade that suits my needs. In the meantime I’ve been changing mood emoticons to suit and I’m sticking with the hyped up version of sesame street for my mood diary!

13. Ginger Sheepdogs

Despite feeling unmotivated at work recently, I do still appreciate everyone I work with. They are a lovely bunch. This morning I went downstairs to find a load of them having a christening party for Romulus and Remus, the two new servers. I’d like to believe my colleagues named them that because they’re all big fans of Roman legend, but I have a sneaking suspicion I may be wrong about that.

On a different note, I read recently that there are also physical symptoms connected to bipolar such as obesity, heart disease and diabetes. These are often linked with the medication used to treat the disorder and a lot of people writing about this subject on the internet express concern that the medical profession doesn’t seem to consider it to be an issue in as far as helping sufferers to control the effects of weight gain, not to mention the subsequent health problems this weight gain can cause.

It made me think that I really should try to lose some weight. Unfortunately for me I’m a bit of a lazy moo and my first thought was ‘I’ll start with a haircut.’ I have really thick hair (imagine an old English Sheepdog, in a car, on a hot day – that’s me. With a hint of ginger). So I think I can probably lose a good half pound just by getting the shears out.

Then there’s jewellery. I like big, chunky costume jewellery. I could probably lose a half a stone if I ditch that for plastic bangles.

I’m wondering how much a middle toe weighs. I mean, as far as amputating limbs for weight loss goes I feel a leg or major organ might be going a bit too far, but I could probably lose a toe or two and not even notice it.

I guess I could eat a salad or two but only if it’s accompanied by chips and BBQ sauce, plus some chicken wings, and hold the salad.

Just a side note. If you’re thinking that the underwire from your bra probably weighs a lot, I can tell you, it doesn’t. Plus, removing it just presents a whole NEW set of issues.